I'm coming back as a bug!

Love the center right, for they know not what they do

We live in a center right country.  That is what I keep hearing and having been to Mississippi and San Francisco that seems about right.  The thing they don't tell you is the the center right keeps changing.  It wasn't that long ago that the center right believed blacks shouldn't be able to eat next to, ride the bus, vote, or god for bid marry a white person.  It wasn't that long ago that every resource could be used and thrown away with no thought of conservation, that smoking on a plane or a bus next to a pregnant woman was no bid deal.  You could show your female secretary that you really appreciated the job she was doing by giving her a nice smack on the ass.  Or you could tell someone you wouldn't hire them because you didn't like their sex, their race, what church they went to, or what their emotional and physical orientation was.  Well there are still a lot of places in this country where you can tell someone that you won't hire them because they are a gay, bi, or trans-gender applicant.  But believe me when I tell you pretty soon that will be as ridicules as being able to make people work for you without having to pay them any money.  Wait...I think I read something about 100,000 sex slaves being held in bondage in this country.  But I am going to assume that the center right doesn't approve of that.  Or at least the wives don't.

    The thing is people can disagree and will forever about the size and role of government.  People will debate foreign policy, drugs, and should they be legal, and states rights.  What the center right doesn't seem to understand is that when it comes to human rights, it is the right of every american to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.  That rights given to some must be given to all, and that to restrict and demean any portion of our population is to invite and someday allow the same to happen to them.  These crazy beliefs call human rights start out on the Left...but eventually, with time move to the center right.  And after a while, they believe it was their idea all along.

The world through different eyes

Something I have not really talked about before on this blog or anywhere else for that matter is my drinking.  I am an alcoholic...I said this out loud for the first time last Friday...at an A.A. meeting.  It was a day of firsts...first time I admitted that I have no control over alcohol, first time I went somewhere for help, and the first time I started looking at what life might be like in a real tangible way without alcohol.  It was also the first time in a long while I had a glimmer of hope that my life could be different then I knew it was going to be while I was drinking.  Alcohol was my blushing bride, my best friend, my courage, my crutch.  It was more important to me then achieving goals or dreams.  It was more important to me then sex, love, and safety.

I was never a 'have to drink everyday' drunk.  I don't get the shakes in the morning, and I don't keep a bottle in my desk.  But if I have one drink I never know if it will end with four or twenty.  I have no cut off method because my brain works differently.  Things I would never dream of doing and things I would never have said become the norm when alcohol and I hang out together.  I would not socialize unless it had drinking involved.  I had to go to a wedding once that was dry and you couldn't get me out of there fast enough.  Somewhere along the line I learned that I was only funny, or comfortable, or charming after a few drinks.  Of course most of this is the opposite and that even if at the start I am funny, by the end of the night I am just pathetic.

I am at the very beginning of my recovery and cannot promise that I will never drink again.  But I can promise that I don't want to.  No matter how long I go without, how much I learn about alcoholism, or how great or terrible my life becomes I know that I will never be able to control my drinking.  I will never be able to just have a few, every once-and-a-while, like most people.  But right now as I look through the world with different eyes, I can honestly say that everything I thought was out of reach in my life is possible.  And if all these dreams are possible just by me not picking up a drink, then by god I am more excited about being sober then I ever was about getting drunk.

The 5 worst things for a guy...

I haven't written in a really long time.  One... because I was extremely busy with the new job, two because I had run out of things to say and didn't really like where the blog was going.  I found out later that some people I knew but wasn't necessarily friends with where writing comments as a joke from a gay perspective.  Mostly to mess with me and not to make fun of gay people.  At least I hope these people were not that despicable.  But when you put your heart and soul onto a page or in this case a blog for all to see and judge, it is very disheartening to have people you know make fun of that honesty.  So I am hoping they got bored and moved on to making fun of the special Olympics or people that are missing limbs or guys with small penis's.

So my first attempt at getting back into this process is the five worst things for a guy.

5.  Having big Willy zip up little Willy.

4.  Having the love or lust of your life tell you 'I want to just be friends'.

3.  Finding out your 'girlfriend' at one point could have been called a 'boyfriend'.

2.  Being caught by your mom polishing the bishop!

1.  And the number one worst thing that can happen to a guy..."oh baby don't worry...it's a nice size!"

Cheers all...the thing about writing is getting back to doing it every day.  That is my goal...see you on the flip side my kings and queens of wired life.

Matthew

One step at a time...

     It has been so long since I have had the time or the computer to write with that I am sure I have lost most of the following I had spent a year building up.  I am ok with it...I guess.  My ego has been searching for other forms of the much needed daily fix.  Moving to a new town, being the new hottie is never a bad thing.  It is kinda weird really, Jackson is a bit strange.  Either I have a third eye, nipple I didn't know about, or there is a really big secret in this town that causes everyone to stare at me.  I have ok looks not terrible but not earth shattering...right?  But everyone stares at me every where I go in this town.  It is either very flattering or very creepy...I am not sure which.

     So anyway I need to get back into writing, and I thought I would go back to the beginning.  I am about to post something that I might have written 15 years ago but haven't written in this style in a long time.  I am going back to where it all began so please stand by and deal with it.

     By the way for anyone that loves music that could be a soundtrack to a movie, or life...without the words check out www.sleepyeyesofdeath.com

I love both of their albums and they have a new one coming out soon.  They are out of Seattle and it is one of the few things I took with me from that city I liked.

Here is the new original post / writing...

I feel your body upon mine

Your right breast ample against my left breast

The scent of your auburn hair touches my nose

with an errant strand that tickles

Yet I do not move it

I kiss the soft spot of your temple

only to convey the peace I feel

You take it as an invitation

Your lips are pure silk, your breath

erotic and hot

Love feels like this when you imagine

what love feels like

I want more of this dream, this morning specter

But I am content in this world of mist

safe yet frightenedin it's ferocity and fever

Hot is your skin, flush is my face

a dream maybe yet I feel you here

The pressure of your body wrapping against mine I am lost

in the dream knowing somewhere in my small voice it has yet to come

Soon maybe...days or weeks yet it is not a fevered imagination that wakes me on this

Sunday Morning

Rehash...but still good.

Ego...the worst part of my karma

   I have avoided religion in this blog for a reason, and I am not really going to go into it here.  Just let me say this...I think if there is a god, that he/she/it doesn't need to be prayed to, or worshiped.  The reason I know this is true is because I want to be worshiped, and would love to be prayed to.  And despite what some of you might believe, I am very far removed from gods level.  A need to be worshiped or adored by many is pure, unadulterated ego.  God x divinity + perfection = no ego.

     I don't understand myself enough to know why I feel the need to have every person fall in love with me whether I am interested in them or not.  I feel slighted if for some reason I am not the moon and the stars in someones eyes.  What the hell is wrong with them if they don't in their secret heart of hearts pine away for me.  I am not sure why I need this, and when it happens it usually is a pain in the rear.  If you are someone that goes out of your way to spare someones feelings but have to politely reject their overtures, it can make for a straight up farce.  Yet I desire it almost as much as air.

     Maybe it was having some success talking girls into the back seat of my car as a teenager that gave me an over-sized sense of my own charm.  I don't have movie star looks, an athletes body, or a rock stars talent.  Where does this mega-ego come from.  Maybe deep inside, below the surface confidence, the false modesty, and the just under the semi-hidden insecurities, I am completely in love with myself.  It would explain the over-developed vanity, (I've never seen a mirror I didn't feel the need to study) the need to talk about myself, or explain MY feeling about something.  I mean this blog is a throne to my belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep.

     I think I need to spend the next couple of showers pondering this issue.  It seems a bit sick to me that when someone is giving me a complement I am blushing and acting embarrassed but my mind is screaming "MORE...GIVE ME MORE!"  This can't be healthy...and I am sure it isn't good karma.  But if anybody wants to leave a compliment about how insightful I am...by all means...I'm sure my ego could use it.

   I have avoided religion in this blog for a reason, and I am not really going to go into it here.  Just let me say this...I think if there is a god, that he/she/it doesn't need to be prayed to, or worshiped.  The reason I know this is true is because I want to be worshiped, and would love to be prayed to.  And despite what some of you might believe, I am very far removed from gods level.  A need to be worshiped or adored by many is pure, unadulterated ego.  God x divinity + perfection = no ego.

     I don't understand myself enough to know why I feel the need to have every person fall in love with me whether I am interested in them or not.  I feel slighted if for some reason I am not the moon and the stars in someones eyes.  What the hell is wrong with them if they don't in their secret heart of hearts pine away for me.  I am not sure why I need this, and when it happens it usually is a pain in the rear.  If you are someone that goes out of your way to spare someones feelings but have to politely reject their overtures, it can make for a straight up farce.  Yet I desire it almost as much as air.

     Maybe it was having some success talking girls into the back seat of my car as a teenager that gave me an over-sized sense of my own charm.  I don't have movie star looks, an athletes body, or a rock stars talent.  Where does this mega-ego come from.  Maybe deep inside, below the surface confidence, the false modesty, and the just under the semi-hidden insecurities, I am completely in love with myself.  It would explain the over-developed vanity, (I've never seen a mirror I didn't feel the need to study) the need to talk about myself, or explain MY feeling about something.  I mean this blog is a throne to my belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep.

     I think I need to spend the next couple of showers pondering this issue.  It seems a bit sick to me that when someone is giving me a complement I am blushing and acting embarrassed but my mind is screaming "MORE...GIVE ME MORE!"  This can't be healthy...and I am sure it isn't good karma.  But if anybody wants to leave a compliment about how insightful I am...by all means...I'm sure my ego could use it.

10 skills I wish I had...

This is a list of ten skills I wished I had.  This is not to say before I die that I won't have them...it is just to say I don't have them right now.  Let me know which one' s you want as well.

10.  To sing better then Michael Buble'

9.  To be able to speak these languages fluently: French, Italian, Russian, Mandarin, Japanese.

8.  To be able to skydive without fear

7.  To be an expert camper...meaning wilderness aware

6.  To be an expert at wine and wine knowledge

5.  To be the President's best friend

4.  To be able to understand computers as well as a tenth grader

3.  To be able to write music like Mozart, or Dave Matthews

2.  To be respected by my father

1.  To win the love of a woman who is both beautiful and smart

A.I.G. An interesting game...

A open letter to the American People...from an employee of A.I.G.

     With the crescendo of rage about the bonuses my team and I have received reaching a pinnacle today I thought it would be important for you to hear from the other side.  It is getting out of control and I aim to make you understand that you would do the same in my place.  I work hard, I am a God Fearing, tax paying, American...just like you.  I had a 3.9 GPA in high school, and a 3.7 GPA at Harvard.  I also went to Wharton School of Business and owe about $130,000 in school loans.  My wife who went to Brown owes another $100,000 and she does the most important work there is which is raising and home schooling our three kids.  Unfortunately one of the few jobs in the world the government doesn't subsidies so there is no income coming in there.  I work with the commute between 60-80 hours a week.  I owe $560,000 on our house which is not a mansion,  and between our two cars another $78,000.  Our net worth before summer of 2008 was 1.8 million dollars with stocks, bonds, 401K, and property.  It is now at $400,000 not including the million dollar bonus I just cashed.  Taxes before Congress does anything illegal will take about $450,000 and with paying down our house, student loans, and car payments I might be able to put twenty thousand dollars in my kids college fund. 

     I know we have it better then a lot of Americans, but god damn it I have worked for it.  I can't help it if I was smarter then you.  I can't help it if I was luckier or harder working.  I did not cause the financial melt down.  I am great at my job and in part will help save America by not letting A.I.G. fail.  If you want to really blame someone, blame Congress, the former two Presidents, and the former Fed Chairman.  Not to mention my former boss as well.  He now lives in the Dominican Republic with a cool $50,000,000 stashed in some banks that didn't fail. 

     Don't blame me for the last two Presidents we had because I didn't vote for either of them.  One was a narcissistic sex addict, and the other was an empty headed, silver spoon baby.  One grew up poor and wanted to be loved by the rich and the other grew up rich and just wanted to help out his Neo-Con friends.  The current one at least is trying to fix the mess of the last 30 years.  An economy that doesn't bubble and burst sounds pretty good to me since I would rather live on a merry-go-round then a roller coaster.

     So as an A.I.G. employee that cannot afford to give up my bonus, and still provide the lifestyle I promised my wife on our wedding day, consider the source when you hear people say that me and my family should be strangled with piano wire.  I am not saying you shouldn't be mad at some of the people that got bonuses (derivative assholes) but not all of us are them.  Take your anger...dial it back a bit and then call you Congress person.  Tell them that the only hope is to fund stem cell research so that we can clone Obama 8000 times and make him the entire government in Washington.  Then you will see some real damn change.

*This post is a work of fiction by the author of this blog...just for fun and practice.

Fiction or fact...

     Before I go into the reason for this post I have a couple of ground rules I need to set up.  I hesitated editing any comments from readers for a long time because I felt that if people had the interest level in responding to a post then I should go with it even if it was less then ideal.  I have requested that people clean up their comments and I really would like it if you kept it to the content and not stray off subject.  But by request of long time readers and my own feelings included if you cannot keep your comments to the subject matter or at least rated R then I will delete them.  That said you can comment on anything relating to this blog but some of the comments are getting out of hand and they need to stop.  If this makes you mad and you don't want to read any more then so be it I understand, but for the sake of what I am really trying to do here I think this is best.  I really love all the people that take the time to comment on anything I write, positive or negative but let's try to keep on point.  Please!

     Now fact or fiction is the subject of this post.  A friend pointed out tonight that I either talk about breasts, booze, or lost loves on every post.  My first thought was 'Duh...I am a man', but I realized later that everyone takes what I write as the facts of the moment.  I need you to understand that I write from 35 years of life and that sometimes I am writing about something I felt years ago.  I write in the moment of now, of reflection, or hope, and of fear.  I write of things past and present and sometimes of things I imagine.  Everything on this blog is me in some form or another but not necessarily me right now. 

     As a writer you need to get into your characters heads, feel their emotions, live their lives through your imagination.  I write about that character a lot because they are all me at different times in my life.  I am trying to tell you the story of my life and why I am coming back as a bug.  My sins, my redemption, my loves, my fears, and yes my silly whims.  A post might be me as I remember it ten years ago, and in that post I will speak as I did then, I will lust as I did then, I will hate, worship, and beg as I did at that moment.  That is writing and that is what I am trying to do.

     I want to become a better person, I want to become a god or at least closer to god.  I cannot do that if I do not live through my failures, sin's, triumphs, and challenges of the past, and future.  I am as vain as Paris Hilton, I have an ego the size of Texas, and I want to change.  I want to be a human being that isn't as flawed as I am right now.  What I write is honest...it just might be honest five years ago.  You are welcome to ask me anything, and I will always be honest with you.  The great part of being laid off is that you don't have to worry about how your job will take your blog.  (This was an issue with my last position so bloggers beware.  I don't even write about that company and it still came up as a problem when a former employee I fired send parts of this blog to the owner out of context.)

     No worries about the job front...I have mad skills and am very employable.  That said if you see posts three times a day then things are not going so well.  I still blame bush and the Repb...Obama gets a year to fix it and then I will start to blame him.  Hope and Change...I still believe.

Next post is about the debate I have with taking unemployment.  I never have...and really don't want too now.  Your thoughts are welcome!

Matthew

In the moment...

     My Mom said something interesting today about my 8 month old nephew that really rang true to me.  She said that Parker lives in the moment...each moment, every day no matter what.  He isn't thinking about what time he has to go to bed, or his play date next week with Leah, or how great it will be when he can drink a whole bottle of something and not spit up.  He is just always in the moment.  Now granted his attention span is about 35 seconds but he is always something.  He is either happy, or crabby, hungry, or tired, but he is never just there.  He is never just bored with everything.  So I started to wonder if this was a key to long lasting happiness.  I am not saying chuck all responsibility and just live in the now...they have a term for that and it is called slacker.

     What I am thinking is that spending more time feeling the moment, be it happy, or sad, wonderful or horrific, you truly might appreciate each day more.  Lets face it, kids want to be teenagers, teenagers want to be adults, adults want to be established adults, older men want to date teenagers, older women want adult minds with teenage bodies, and Seniors want not to be treated as kids.  When are we ever happy with were we are.

     Have you ever just had a moment in time where you thought you could stay there forever.  Yet that moment passes and we forget how wonderful it was because we seldom realize moments until after they're gone.  Right now I am laying in bed with my lap top against my raised knees.  In this moment I have not a care in the world.  I am not sick, I feel pretty good, my family is healthy, and safe.  I have my fancy Bose headphones on blaring Boston The Third Stage, an ice cold beer next to me sweating like in a commercial, and I am living in the moment.  A wonderful riff on their guitar, or a sentence I write that I love.  The feel of the carbonation filling my stomach, and the relief when it comes out.  Sitting here miles and years away and still being able to remember the curve of her breast.  The crisp winter breeze that is coming into my open window.  Each moment is happening as I write it and I am living in it.

     I know it is just a start.  I will wake up tomorrow and be back to the same old habits.  Except maybe I won't.  Maybe I will try to every day remember that the time slipping through my fingers is time I never get back.  If I live to be 70, which unless their is some major medical breakthroughs isn't likely, I have lived over half of my life.  Gone in less then a flash of time, and yet maybe living in a moment is like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.  The stronger it gets the longer it lasts...not referencing anything else there , because that would'nt be anything like me.  But living in the moment might make the span of time seem like forever, and who doesn't want to live forever...

Where is the mans mojo?

     'Come on kid...you gotta jump back on the horse', 'There is more fish in the sea', 'it can't rain all the time'. 

      I tried to jump back on the horse and I smashed me balls.  We are over-fishing the sea to extinction...ours, and in Seattle it can rain all the time.  Now why these are all nice homilies that at one point had some wisdom, or at least where something you could say when a friend was feeling down, they are now something of a joke.  But what else do you say to losers like me that whine all the time about lost loves, dead pets, or this seasons ending of the bachelor.

     Snap out of it and knuckle down.  That is what I say...splash some cold water on your face and see the brightness of the new day.  The world is a far more cruel place then it has ever show you and your quaint problems.  So pop a pill, buy something useless, and put on a happy face.  The market is in the tank, Africa is raping and killing itself, but that hottie at the coffee shop is giving me googly eyes so spring is in the air and it is time to procreate.

     But...then again maybe cynicism and negativity are the reasons why the world is messed up.  Maybe I really do need to just put on a happy face.  I think back to the morning of the day I fell in love.  I had no idea what that day had in store for me or how much joy would spring forth from one day.  Tomorrow I could wake up and not even know that eight hours later I will be in rapture.  Tomorrow could be filled with nothing but joy and simple pleasures.  Lets see what is on my social calendar for Friday March 6th.  Humm...not much happened in Feb, March....oh I am invited to a 'Bummer dude you just got laid off' party.  That seems pleasant...maybe I will meet someone new there.  Or maybe it will be one of those times when you and someone you have known for a while just click.

  Either way the day is full of possibilities.  Alright remember to wear a nice sports coat, check the expiration date on the condoms in my closest, floss tonight, trim down there, trim the ear hair, buy some mints, look up a couple of jokes I won't remember, and remember to pre-funk a glass of wine or two so that you are not too nervous.  Ok maybe just one...I don't want a repeat of that other time...god how embarrassing that was.

     Tomorrow is...