Ego...the worst part of my karma

   I have avoided religion in this blog for a reason, and I am not really going to go into it here.  Just let me say this...I think if there is a god, that he/she/it doesn't need to be prayed to, or worshiped.  The reason I know this is true is because I want to be worshiped, and would love to be prayed to.  And despite what some of you might believe, I am very far removed from gods level.  A need to be worshiped or adored by many is pure, unadulterated ego.  God x divinity + perfection = no ego.

     I don't understand myself enough to know why I feel the need to have every person fall in love with me whether I am interested in them or not.  I feel slighted if for some reason I am not the moon and the stars in someone's eyes.  What the hell is wrong with them if they don't in their secret heart of hearts pine away for me.  I am not sure why I need this, and when it happens it usually is a pain in the rear.  If you are someone that goes out of your way to spare someone's feelings but have to politely reject their overtures, it can make for a straight up farce.  Yet I desire it almost as much as air.

     Maybe it was having some success in talking girls into the back seat of my car as a teenager that gave me an over-sized sense of my own charm.  I don't have movie star looks, an athletes body, or a rock stars talent.  Where does this mega-ego come from.  Maybe deep inside, below the surface confidence, the false modesty, and the just under the semi-hidden insecurities, I am completely in love with myself.  It would explain the over-developed vanity, (I've never seen a mirror I didn't feel the need to study) the need to talk about myself, or explain MY feeling about something.  I mean this blog is a throne to my belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep.

     I think I need to spend the next couple of showers pondering this issue.  It seems a bit sick to me that when someone is giving me a complement I am blushing and acting embarrassed but my mind is screaming "MORE...GIVE ME MORE!"  This can't be healthy...and I am sure it isn't good karma.  But if anybody wants to leave a compliment about how insightful I am...by all means...I'm sure my ego could use it.

Comments

[Brenda]

I respect that you don't want to go into the whole religion thing, but just let me say that my disbelief of the "jealous god" concept sounds similar. But I come from a different perspective. I'm sure I have an ego, but I really don't think I am vain. And the thought that everyone would love me leaves me feeling claustrophobic! Still, like you I have the need to talk (or blog) about myself and I have a "belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep." But is that vanity? Or is it healthy? I constantly tell my nieces and nephews that their thoughts matter. We are approximately 6 billion humans on the planet trying to sort out this thing called life. Our shared opinions and stories are all part of that. Now, the constantly wanting praise ... I can't really speak to that!

By the way, thanks for adding Rex Tillerson to your Karmic consequences list. Can I request that he come back as a bug somewhere near one of his own operations?

[Sunshine]

Matthew,
I just wanted to tell you that I don't feel anything is wrong with that. We all do need to feel good about ourselves at times when we are feeling a little down. I know this from a year ago. I felt so good about me! It was an awsome high and noone at that time could bring me down. But of course things happen and I feel that I have lost me again. But, I am getting in back. I just love and enjoy reading your blog! Hope you have a great week !

Just always remember...

"Be who you are and say what you feel,because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
Dr. Seuss

Sunshine....aka... well you know :-)
Hope that added a smile to your
face! Ha

[Tammy]

Go ahead. Ask for more. The opposite feeling is not good. Ego is good. I know for me....looking in the mirror each day is not so bad. I just hung the mirror a little higher and I put my makeup on without my contacts. It works for me.