Rehash...but still good.

Ego...the worst part of my karma

   I have avoided religion in this blog for a reason, and I am not really going to go into it here.  Just let me say this...I think if there is a god, that he/she/it doesn't need to be prayed to, or worshiped.  The reason I know this is true is because I want to be worshiped, and would love to be prayed to.  And despite what some of you might believe, I am very far removed from gods level.  A need to be worshiped or adored by many is pure, unadulterated ego.  God x divinity + perfection = no ego.

     I don't understand myself enough to know why I feel the need to have every person fall in love with me whether I am interested in them or not.  I feel slighted if for some reason I am not the moon and the stars in someones eyes.  What the hell is wrong with them if they don't in their secret heart of hearts pine away for me.  I am not sure why I need this, and when it happens it usually is a pain in the rear.  If you are someone that goes out of your way to spare someones feelings but have to politely reject their overtures, it can make for a straight up farce.  Yet I desire it almost as much as air.

     Maybe it was having some success talking girls into the back seat of my car as a teenager that gave me an over-sized sense of my own charm.  I don't have movie star looks, an athletes body, or a rock stars talent.  Where does this mega-ego come from.  Maybe deep inside, below the surface confidence, the false modesty, and the just under the semi-hidden insecurities, I am completely in love with myself.  It would explain the over-developed vanity, (I've never seen a mirror I didn't feel the need to study) the need to talk about myself, or explain MY feeling about something.  I mean this blog is a throne to my belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep.

     I think I need to spend the next couple of showers pondering this issue.  It seems a bit sick to me that when someone is giving me a complement I am blushing and acting embarrassed but my mind is screaming "MORE...GIVE ME MORE!"  This can't be healthy...and I am sure it isn't good karma.  But if anybody wants to leave a compliment about how insightful I am...by all means...I'm sure my ego could use it.

   I have avoided religion in this blog for a reason, and I am not really going to go into it here.  Just let me say this...I think if there is a god, that he/she/it doesn't need to be prayed to, or worshiped.  The reason I know this is true is because I want to be worshiped, and would love to be prayed to.  And despite what some of you might believe, I am very far removed from gods level.  A need to be worshiped or adored by many is pure, unadulterated ego.  God x divinity + perfection = no ego.

     I don't understand myself enough to know why I feel the need to have every person fall in love with me whether I am interested in them or not.  I feel slighted if for some reason I am not the moon and the stars in someones eyes.  What the hell is wrong with them if they don't in their secret heart of hearts pine away for me.  I am not sure why I need this, and when it happens it usually is a pain in the rear.  If you are someone that goes out of your way to spare someones feelings but have to politely reject their overtures, it can make for a straight up farce.  Yet I desire it almost as much as air.

     Maybe it was having some success talking girls into the back seat of my car as a teenager that gave me an over-sized sense of my own charm.  I don't have movie star looks, an athletes body, or a rock stars talent.  Where does this mega-ego come from.  Maybe deep inside, below the surface confidence, the false modesty, and the just under the semi-hidden insecurities, I am completely in love with myself.  It would explain the over-developed vanity, (I've never seen a mirror I didn't feel the need to study) the need to talk about myself, or explain MY feeling about something.  I mean this blog is a throne to my belief that my opinion is truly important, and deep.

     I think I need to spend the next couple of showers pondering this issue.  It seems a bit sick to me that when someone is giving me a complement I am blushing and acting embarrassed but my mind is screaming "MORE...GIVE ME MORE!"  This can't be healthy...and I am sure it isn't good karma.  But if anybody wants to leave a compliment about how insightful I am...by all means...I'm sure my ego could use it.

Comments

[Giggles and Rainbows]

Mu mu mu Matthew, mu mu mu maybe the truth is you are blessed to have an insight that many of us including my self cant grasp. Your helping the rest of us work trough these dark days with truly poetic and almost zen like lines such as "God x divinity + perfection = no ego." WOW!!!!!! now thats the kind of thing you can't just make up... i tutted your horn, now can we snuggle?