I'm coming back as a bug!

Fiction or fact...

     Before I go into the reason for this post I have a couple of ground rules I need to set up.  I hesitated editing any comments from readers for a long time because I felt that if people had the interest level in responding to a post then I should go with it even if it was less then ideal.  I have requested that people clean up their comments and I really would like it if you kept it to the content and not stray off subject.  But by request of long time readers and my own feelings included if you cannot keep your comments to the subject matter or at least rated R then I will delete them.  That said you can comment on anything relating to this blog but some of the comments are getting out of hand and they need to stop.  If this makes you mad and you don't want to read any more then so be it I understand, but for the sake of what I am really trying to do here I think this is best.  I really love all the people that take the time to comment on anything I write, positive or negative but let's try to keep on point.  Please!

     Now fact or fiction is the subject of this post.  A friend pointed out tonight that I either talk about breasts, booze, or lost loves on every post.  My first thought was 'Duh...I am a man', but I realized later that everyone takes what I write as the facts of the moment.  I need you to understand that I write from 35 years of life and that sometimes I am writing about something I felt years ago.  I write in the moment of now, of reflection, or hope, and of fear.  I write of things past and present and sometimes of things I imagine.  Everything on this blog is me in some form or another but not necessarily me right now. 

     As a writer you need to get into your characters heads, feel their emotions, live their lives through your imagination.  I write about that character a lot because they are all me at different times in my life.  I am trying to tell you the story of my life and why I am coming back as a bug.  My sins, my redemption, my loves, my fears, and yes my silly whims.  A post might be me as I remember it ten years ago, and in that post I will speak as I did then, I will lust as I did then, I will hate, worship, and beg as I did at that moment.  That is writing and that is what I am trying to do.

     I want to become a better person, I want to become a god or at least closer to god.  I cannot do that if I do not live through my failures, sin's, triumphs, and challenges of the past, and future.  I am as vain as Paris Hilton, I have an ego the size of Texas, and I want to change.  I want to be a human being that isn't as flawed as I am right now.  What I write is honest...it just might be honest five years ago.  You are welcome to ask me anything, and I will always be honest with you.  The great part of being laid off is that you don't have to worry about how your job will take your blog.  (This was an issue with my last position so bloggers beware.  I don't even write about that company and it still came up as a problem when a former employee I fired send parts of this blog to the owner out of context.)

     No worries about the job front...I have mad skills and am very employable.  That said if you see posts three times a day then things are not going so well.  I still blame bush and the Repb...Obama gets a year to fix it and then I will start to blame him.  Hope and Change...I still believe.

Next post is about the debate I have with taking unemployment.  I never have...and really don't want too now.  Your thoughts are welcome!

Matthew

In the moment...

     My Mom said something interesting today about my 8 month old nephew that really rang true to me.  She said that Parker lives in the moment...each moment, every day no matter what.  He isn't thinking about what time he has to go to bed, or his play date next week with Leah, or how great it will be when he can drink a whole bottle of something and not spit up.  He is just always in the moment.  Now granted his attention span is about 35 seconds but he is always something.  He is either happy, or crabby, hungry, or tired, but he is never just there.  He is never just bored with everything.  So I started to wonder if this was a key to long lasting happiness.  I am not saying chuck all responsibility and just live in the now...they have a term for that and it is called slacker.

     What I am thinking is that spending more time feeling the moment, be it happy, or sad, wonderful or horrific, you truly might appreciate each day more.  Lets face it, kids want to be teenagers, teenagers want to be adults, adults want to be established adults, older men want to date teenagers, older women want adult minds with teenage bodies, and Seniors want not to be treated as kids.  When are we ever happy with were we are.

     Have you ever just had a moment in time where you thought you could stay there forever.  Yet that moment passes and we forget how wonderful it was because we seldom realize moments until after they're gone.  Right now I am laying in bed with my lap top against my raised knees.  In this moment I have not a care in the world.  I am not sick, I feel pretty good, my family is healthy, and safe.  I have my fancy Bose headphones on blaring Boston The Third Stage, an ice cold beer next to me sweating like in a commercial, and I am living in the moment.  A wonderful riff on their guitar, or a sentence I write that I love.  The feel of the carbonation filling my stomach, and the relief when it comes out.  Sitting here miles and years away and still being able to remember the curve of her breast.  The crisp winter breeze that is coming into my open window.  Each moment is happening as I write it and I am living in it.

     I know it is just a start.  I will wake up tomorrow and be back to the same old habits.  Except maybe I won't.  Maybe I will try to every day remember that the time slipping through my fingers is time I never get back.  If I live to be 70, which unless their is some major medical breakthroughs isn't likely, I have lived over half of my life.  Gone in less then a flash of time, and yet maybe living in a moment is like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.  The stronger it gets the longer it lasts...not referencing anything else there , because that would'nt be anything like me.  But living in the moment might make the span of time seem like forever, and who doesn't want to live forever...